I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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