My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
