a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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