I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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