I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Actions speak louder than pants.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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