I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
