just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
