I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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