If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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