3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
