Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
