you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
