You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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