Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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