Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
