I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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