I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
