Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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