Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
