You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He passed out mid-signature
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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