yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
