Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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