take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
