Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
