why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize