I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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