1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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