my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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