If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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