I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
