I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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