I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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