also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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