I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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