This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
