Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
