i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
