I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
