just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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