oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize