Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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