dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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