i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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