is your mom at the bar?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
