She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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