I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
