What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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