Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He shit in the fireplace
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
