Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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