mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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