When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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