i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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