There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
