Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
