I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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