Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
