Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
